Question:
A couple days ago, I was in a toy store, and I saw a tattoo kit for small
children.
Now, I'm not talking about the old-timey lickable temporary tattoos
they had when we were kids. This is something new.
It's a tattoo gun.
Temporary Tattoo Removal- infomation?
Answer:
- It goes "bzzzzzzzzzz" just like your daddy's tattoo gun, and then you
use the vibrating needle to draw on the arm (or forehead) of some other
kid your friends are holding down. Of course it's for kids so the
needle is just a felt-tip marker to make this completely safe.
The box emphasizes that the tattoo ink is non-toxic. You apply it
through clear plastic stencils. The box does admit those contain industrial
solvents such as toluene, which must be non-toxic when applied to skin
because why would a box lie to a negligent parent? It only used to
cause nerve damage when absorbed through the skin, but that problem's
been solved by the best scientific minds in the toy tattoo gun industry!
But otherwise it's completely safe.
That's the only detail I remember from a quick read of the box at
the mall. (I hope I'm not mis-remembering "benzene" as "toluene"
because I'd hate to falsely accuse them of advertising the wrong
toxic solvent on their box. I have a responsibility to correctly
report the details of the world's dumbest toys.)
I would have bought one to play with on crowded subway trains except
the toy store was actually charging money for these, so I decided
to just continue sneaking up behind people with ordinary Sharpies.
I have no objection to kids putting temporary tattoo stickers all
over themselves (especially if it keeps them quiet, whether or not
the stickers fit over their mouth) but encouraging kids to pretend
to stick needles into each other is wrong, especially when it's
done using a crappy product which might be even more unsafe than
if they used a real needle.
It's officially designated for ages "6+", and I'm sure everyone agrees
how great it is to encourage six-year-olds to pretend to jab needles into
all their former friends. Hyperactive plus hypodermic equals crying.
The best part is the photo on the box, showing two kids carefully
styled to be the Future Biker Dude and the Future Metalhead Burnout:
Tattoo Gun For Tots:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_tattoo_gun_toy.jpg
I see many bandannas in their future, long after the end of their
lesbian relationship.
Note that the product's name is "i-Tattoo" but the tattoo gun actually
says "Tat 2" on it because that way the two kids can have a conversation
about which name is less awesome while they're waiting for the ink to
dry on their new tattoos.
Tattoo Gun's Secret Other Name:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_tattoo_gun_toy_2.jpg
Too bad we can't see the stencils up close to find out what
they say. "Elementary School Sucks"? A heart with "I Love My Babysitter"?
"Harley Potter"?
I found the instruction book on the Web. Here's an excerpt:
Tattoo Gun Instruction Book For First-Graders:
http://www.kibo.com/pix/2006/2006_11_tattoo_gun_toy_3.gif
I like how the instructions for the i-Tattoo Electronic Pen show
a picture of the product with its name directly beneath it, in case
you get distracted for a tenth of a second while you're opening the
box and forget that the battery-operated, vibrating, dildo-shaped dildo
is actually supposed to be a pretend scarificator.
Why waste your money buying something that basically turns a pen
into an expensive pen with a buzzer on the back? Guys, if you really
want your kids to draw on each other in order to distract them from
yelling "I'M PLAYING POWER RANGERS!" while punching you in the nuts,
just get them some washable markers, or for the proper juvie experience,
a bent paper clip and a leaky ballpoint pen. And if you do want to
spend money on tattoo equipment for the kids, get them a real tattoo gun.
Then one day you can wake up with "MY DADDY JUST DOESN'T CARE" written
on your face.
Or, like the guy at the upper right of the instruction book, you
might just get "6+" written where your face used to be. That's if
you also bought the kids the companion face-removal surgery kit.
(The scalpel blades are dishwasher-safe!)
- The strange little transparent stencils (whose ingredients worried me)
have been replaced by another type of stencil which is hopefully inert,
so I'd say the Discovery version is an improvement, even though the
tattoo gun's casing is now in clown colors.
But why does it include two scrunchies?
Oh, wait, it's not a tattoo gun, it's a "Body Art Center".
In other words, it's a tattoo gun plus ten cents' worth of scrunchies.
Kids can learn about both types of body art -- tattoos and ponytails.
Or maybe the scrunchies are actually Nerf nose rings.
The Discovery version costs three dollars more than the normal version,
which is a lot to pay for two nose scrunchies which may or may not have
already been in some factory worker's nose during the testing process
